Finding myself

There are so many times people have no idea in the moment, but do things for the wrong reasons. That goes for any situation in life, which is hard and it makes matters worse, eventually.  Not doing something because you truly want to, means that you’re never really going to be happy in that situation. 

For many years I stayed in a marriage thinking it was for the best interest of my children.  Before that, I stayed because I thought I could change that person, again I was wrong there also. Then I was putting myself at much more risk mentally, which then reflects on them and they see it.  I pretended for years that I was happy and tried damn hard to make that true.  I was under the mentality that if I gave her what she wanted, it would ultimately make me happy, that was not true either. Now I finally learned that if it’s not there, you cannot force it, it does not work that way.  

The extra effort that you have to put into a spouse when a relationship is not working takes time away from your children.  Subconsciously, you are not putting all of your energy where it needs to be.  I look back and have full regret of staying as long as I did. Now I’m thinking of how much I may have missed in reference to my children and helping them grow mentally and emotionally.  

Now that the separation/divorce is finally taking place, my eyes are wide open.  I know I have a lot I need to fix in myself, I lost completely who I was.  That then turns into more anger and more regret. That is no way to live, staying in a marriage for your children may ultimately be also hard   for them later in life, if it is not already. How would it make you feel that your own parent lived unhappy no matter the reason?  I don’t want that guilt for them.  My mother left my father for us to be happy and it worked. We weren’t perfect, but life was much better. 

I was proud of my mother for that. I just should have been more open and honest with everyone else so that the understanding and support was there when it was needed.  If I was open about things, I’m sure someone would have helped me realize and would have left when I should have.  It would not have been a shock to everyone, that I was holding in a secret life.  Just to protect the truth for some unknown reason, the reason was not for me like it should have been. Self love is more important, happiness is necessary to live fully, I get it now