What social media did not reveal

This story is going to be a little different than anything I have ever written.  This is something that has been held in and pushed down for years.  This is about what really happens behind closed doors and what gets hidden to save face.  Not only did I live my life trying to be the fixer, but the issue was I completely forgot about myself. I was lost. Then you realize, if there is no one else looking out for you, you need to take that step back and reevaluate as an individual.

From the beginning of time, I have always wanted to foster and adopt. There was just never another option for me as far as how I would want children. I started my journey with the foster system back in 2005, on an early Sunday morning with an epiphany.  A very strong and overwhelming feeling, that now was the time to find out how to get going on the next portion on my life.  What I learned, was that there was so much research to be done and that if this is what I really wanted, it was a full commitment to not only the children, but to help make changes for the better within the foster system.  

Now I was engulfed, as I lost my first foster children through Bucks County PA, due to my sexuality.  Why? Because in 2007, as I was going through the paperwork of adopting those same children, LGBT adoptions were not even a discussion as far as being legalized.  I had no leg to stand on. Even through the Supreme Court of the state, I lost that battle. Foster parents rarely have any rights, although I at the time spent my life savings on a losing battle.

A few years had gone by, and after getting married in 2010, I reluctantly tried again.  Sure, if I wanted other children there were several options, however mentally for me, this was still my only option. My ex just wanted children, but had no real preference how, although ultimately knew she still wanted to carry her own at some point also. Then in 2011 and going through adoption training, LGBT individuals were adopting, although still not legal for same sex couples to adopt jointly.  This is when things were about to get even harder. All I wanted was to create a normal family.  Why did that have to be so hard?  Especially using a government funded program to give children a home and as much love as you can give.

Once I put my heart and soul into adopting my first child, we were able to force the joint adoption through.  The hole that we found in the bylaws and with our attorney’s assistance, we realized that same sex adoptions were not banned, just not legalized yet.  So we went to court and in a very far right court house, the judge had no choice but to finalize the adoption.  That’s exactly what created our/my limelight, the public lifestyle that I currently find myself in.  People from all over the world had reached out with wanting help to do the very same thing that we had accomplished.  We were now the first same sex couple to adopt, not only in Bucks county, but they said all of Pennsylvania. 

Soon later, it was magazine covers,  news articles, and interview after interview on podcasts.  Thinking about it, worldwide, we have helped over 1,000 families begin their foster/adoption process through our nonprofit organization, “Fostering Hopes & Wishes”.  From there I was asked to write our stories and journeys through all the ups and downs that had come with living this life, within the LGBT lifestyle. So not only was life pretty hectic because of the many kids coming in and out of the home, but also because of all the attention we were getting, as well as my career. Then throw in the fact that I was married to someone that had her own mental illnesses, which were just coming to the surface at that time. I was my then wife’s only support system, which involved taking the brunt of her issues on my shoulders. Handling all of this at once, made it very hard to breathe at times.

The hardest part was not about dealing with the foster system. Fighting for children was rewarding.  It was not about finding balance or time. That is me. I am the person that needs to always be moving and thinking.  The hard part was having a life partner that wasn’t balanced in a marriage to help me emotionally and mentally when I needed someone to lean on.  Everyone at some point needs to be able to have that support, when necessary, to breakdown for yourself. Through time, I realized that was not there. Discussions and arguments changed nothing in that department. That was a huge part of our life... the only part... that was kept silent. 

Through the years, I became more distant. I felt more and more that I cannot see my life staying like this.  I was losing myself entirely, yet still maintaining everything else around me.  I knew that a change needed to happen for all of us, especially while in the process of finalizing all of the adoptions.  I knew I especially needed something to change for me. Something was just not right.  I came downstairs one night to eat dinner and said, “We can live anywhere in the country now that I started my business. Where does everyone want to go”.  In shock, everyone got really excited and shouted, “Disney!”

So now with generating the move, knowing a huge change was coming, I expected that to be the fix.  After moving, I quickly realized our location had no bearing on things being changed within my marriage. To be completely honest, things were becoming more relevant of how unhappy I was in life.  Everything had fallen into place. I was doing house projects as well as focusing on my new business and helping the kids get acclimated here in Florida.  The problem was, my spouse still was the same towards me.  So after a 3 day rampage (verbal and physical), where she literally threw my fathers death in my face, saying I will probably end up like him, my then spouse realized that she needed professional help... finally!! I have always had depression, so did my father, in which he ended his own life. For the appointment we went together. My mother watched the kids. I went as a support to just give a perspective of what it was like living with this. She was diagnosed with what we figured all along. I had known this from researching the symptoms over the years prior.  

During this time, she even came out and revealed that part of herself in a post on Facebook in 2019. At that same time, she realized and literally said, “if you want a divorce, I completely understand.”  Within this post she explained her side and her truth behind her own mental illness and mental/emotional abuse towards me. She specifically, partially blamed this on her mother’s mental/emotional abuse towards her that continued throughout the years. I remember this specifically, being angry at the 300+ likes/comments supporting her as she admitted all of this publicly, yet not one of you checked in with me to see if the victim of her post was ok.  With even this, I kept it inside, all this time, still trying to stay strong.

I admit, I thought since the therapy continued and medication was prescribed, everything would be better going forward.  As much as I wanted to think that’s all that was needed, based on a few months of her being a whole different person, something then occurred that was a trigger for her.  Which was always the reason behind becoming a person that was mentally and emotionally abusive.  I went right back to feeling down on myself and very unhappy.  Not even a few weeks later I was in excruciating pain on the right side of my upper body.  After a few days of it not subsiding, I decided to get it checked out. I was thinking a heart attack. The reason was found after a full spine MRI. I needed emergency surgery. Several discs in my neck had deteriorated.  How?  Stress!

Once I was immobile, awaiting for the surgery, I felt that I was alone, emotionally.  When I needed someone to take care of me for once, I didn’t have that. This was supposed to be about me and getting better. I needed emotional and mental support that I was never going to get from this person.  So I knew at that point, I refused to live in that marriage any longer.  I knew I would never be able to get past this.  I knew it was the person she was, not the mental illness.  So I then leaned on several close friends for support.  I needed support from anyone that was able to help me mentally through all that was going on at one time for me.  So many of my friends were thankfully helpful and understanding, just lending an ear.

Fast forwarding to my current relationship, Tiffany was a friend that I had casually spoke to for several years.  We had met on FaceBook although we grew up in the same area.  She reached out in reference to reading about my upcoming surgery, to check in and send well wishes.  At that point, I saw in this person, just from normal conversations, this is the support I was always wanting and did not have prior.  I admired several friends’ relationships and the connection I did not have previously.  I then saw how me being unhappy, was not benefitting my children either... to live silently miserable, yet always trying to wear a smile.  I was fooling no one, but quickly realizing I could actually be happy. I was just always in the wrong relationship.  Within a short period of time, I saw and felt the connection I needed, with my now fiancée.

Now, navigating through all this for myself, I learned that I was not checking in enough on what my kids wanted either.  I learned, from trying to create our next steps, they do not like to live in Florida.  It was fun to visit they said, but not to live. They can’t stand the heat. I even wrote a blog 2 years ago thinking my kids were just miserable from being spoiled.  It was sad learning that you work so hard for a life you expect your kids to love, yet they weren’t flourishing as expected.  The kids currently are very happy with the changes we are making and they are part of the entire process.  They see that my ex and myself are much happier and better parents, separate.  In turn, they see their mom the happiest she has ever been. It just takes time to figure out what that means and how to achieve that.  To know, as a person in general and especially a parent, you deserve to be happy also.